The Gates of Bradenton
$300 Refer a Friend

SELL OUT YOUR
FRIENDS FOR $300'
COME ON EVEN YOU DON T
WANT TO LIVE HERE. SURELY YOU WOULDN T DO IT TO YOUR FRIENDS'


THE GATES OF BRADENTON
The Gates are always open, and the pool is always closed!

Here are some of things that you can enjoy @ The Gates of Bradenton:
1: Someone poop s in our pool regularly and we shut it down for days.
2: We charge top dollar for these crumby apts.
3: If you don t like your manger, don t worry, we change them frequently.
4: If you don t like us, don t worry, we don t like you either.
5: Your kids can t have ANY cookies.
6: Move out special! We ll charge you even when your apt is Spotless!
7: $5 transponder to open the WIDE OPEN GATE!
*if you lose the transponder for the WIDE OPEN GATE we will charge you $50
8: We don t really need your business so go F yourself.
9: Maintenance special: Yep, it s sure broke, F yourself.
10: Having a hard time paying your rent on time this month' Go F yourself
11: We guarantee at least 2 drive by shootings and 2 burning dumpster a year, or we ll charge you and extra $100!
12: Go F yourself. Then save us the trouble, Go F your neighbor.
13: Your Children can no longer call the office a safe spot if you re late for the bus pick up. Sorry, Go F yourself.
14: Not only will we charge you for water, Wait until you see how much we charge you for doing your laundry in our FILTHY on site Laundromats!
15: While other apt complex s offer free cable, here we say Go F yourself.
16: Stay off the rope in the pool or we ll shut it down the pool for days!
17: Our landscaping service promises to wake you up with a weed-whacker every Monday!
18: There is plenty of loud construction in the area if the Landscapers don t wake you up.
19: Thank God there is a Liquor Store around the corner! How else could you put up with all this stuff'
20: Just look at our filthy patios!
21: We promise to evict you over absolutely nothing. We don t need you. Go F yourself.
22: Free carpet cleanings when you re-new your lease! But, it really doesn t matter; we re going to charge you in the end anyway.
23: Our cockroaches are the friendliest and will greet you in sheer numbers!
24: We support the homeless! You ll find them sleeping on our porches, staying in our apts, and rummaging thru our dumpsters! Maybe you can meet a real homeless person swimming in our crappy pool!
25: If the homeless support we offer isn t enough to satisfy your thirsty pallet, we also rent our apts to the mentally handicapped, and clinically insane! They make very entertaining neighbors!*the gates are there solely for keeping our mental patients from wandering away.
26: We don t Screen anyone! Welcome Skanks! *due to the large number of skanks we put a ton of chlorine in our pool, making it feel slimy and will turn your blonde lochs a lovely fluorescent green. Hey! It s better than turd brown.
27: Check out our single pain plexy glass windows!
28: Even the managers are afraid to walk to the mailbox!
29: Our thieves are among the best! If it s not tied down its gone!
30: Our dirty sidewalks will remind of a stroll thru NY City. Plus your chances of getting shot or mugged are just as good!
31: Get to know your neighbors! You re going to hear everything they do anyway!
32: Watch our trashy tenants beat their wives/girlfriends!
33: Here you are sure to find great deals on Crack, Weed, Cocaine, Whores, etc You name it You ll find it here!
34: We promise to raise your rent every year, and not put one penny into the place!
35: Check out our beautiful, un-lit Tennis court which is only accessible on one side!
36: Need a flat tire' Our un-kept parking lot is sure to help!
37: Enjoy our cigarette dotted landscape.
38: Enjoy our wet, moldy sheet rock. Remember, what doesn t kill you only makes you stronger! *if in fact it kills you, your estate will then be liable for any un-paid portions of your rent, and we will charge you for removing your dead rotting carcass.
39: Enjoy cooking in our tiny kitchens, fitted with circa 1980 appliances.
40: We hope you like ants! Lots of them!
41: Is your old ass refrigerator not cold enough to keep your milk from souring' Hmmm go F yourself.
42: We haven t replaced our carpets in years!
43: As if this wasn t enough .Sign a lease special Our water isn t really metered! It s pro-rated retard now you can pay for your neighbors water as well! ( you know the ones in the 2 br with 5 kids and 4 adults')
44: Get to know your Sheriff s! They ll be by frequently and just maybe there will some extra room for you and your felon friends in the back of the car!
45: Forget about a pet deposit! Our cockroaches are as big as dogs! (and if you re not paying attention they might just hump your leg)
46: Our pool area is monitored by close circuit camera s. However, they only focus on the Soda machines, that don t work anyway. They are just there as another means of getting your money SUCKA!
Last, but not least, our rude, unpleasant office staff is here to tell you where to shove it, and lie to your face in a surly manner 9ish to 5ish M-F and seldom on the weekends

If you re not sold already please check out our crappy reviews on the Web!
http://www.apartmentratings.com/rate/FL-Bradenton-Gates-of-Bradenton-formerly-Somerset-Place.html

Thanks for Considering The Gates of Bradenton!
If you think of any other ways we can say F You, please stop by our office and let us know! (Remember No Damned cookies for you! Those are reserved for Future Victims) Thanks!

User Responses
From: we_learn_as_we_live	Date: 01/03/2008
I loved it, wish you were my neighbor!

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