Like Dante standing at the cusp of Hell with Virgil, you might be considering the harrowing quest of renting with Lakewoood Lodge. Trek carefully past the forest of Broken A/C Sorrows and enter the first circle: the Fecal Lake, which contains the tormented souls of dead fish and Charmin two-ply rolls. Continue past the main office of Apathetic Blockheads and Liars and find the second circle; the Tennis Court Without a Net. Shudder with hopelessness as you meet the Blatant Crack Dealers of Depravity in the third circle, and venture into the gaping, cavernous holes of the Bathrooms of Disrepair that comprise circle four. Circle five is none other than the Inept Maintenence Man Lounge, where the repair staff apparently relaxes while they aren't fixing your air conditioning. Circle six is contains the Invisible File for Customer Complaints, as well as the Invisible Phone That Ye May Use To Call Someone Who Cares, both of which are ghastly tools used to condemn renters to a hot, sticky, crumbling summer of pure horror. In the deepest bowels of Lakewood Lodge wallows the Apartment Executives who are making phat cash off of this money trap, greedily clutching cigars and brandy glasses like the withered souls of Brutus and Judas.

These are not the apartments you are looking for; move along.

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