So, think you?d like to live here' Well, you?ll have to meet a few requirements:

?You should have a fondness for post-menopausal office staff. This bunch makes prunes look appetizing and competent. They are moody, rude and ineffectual. They will lie to your face and demand to know whether you enjoyed the experience. The worst of the lot is the abysmal Florence, the walking embodiment of Alzheimer?s disease. Never entrust her with any paperwork.
?Do you enjoy shoddy repair work' Did you enjoy shop in high school' Well, you get to relive it here. The ?all thumbs? classmate who could never operate the lathe has found gainful employment as a ?service engineer? here. And no, he still cannot tell his elbow from a hole in the ground, and yes, he?s still racing golf-carts.
?Do you think your pets? purpose is to serve as an emotional crutch to compensate for your insecurities' Well, this is the place for you. Lock the dog in the crate for the day, let the cats roam wild. Is your back too stiff to pick up after your dog' Rejoice! The post-menopausal sirens will not mention your ?disability? to your face. Instead they will tar every dog owner with the same broad brush and threaten to levy an additional fee on you to hide the fact that they do not do their job.
?Are you a NASCAR fan' Well, here?s your chance to re-live the Daytona 500. The post-menopausal gasoline alley junkies will even race you! And if you want to improve your evasive maneuvers just walk the property with the kids or the dog. There are plenty of bushes to dive into when the moody hags indulge their Dale Earnhart fantasies. Provided of course those bushes haven?t been chopped down by the resident busybodies who have had to make place for the junk collections that are overflowing their patios. Yes, you guessed right, the hags will overlook the pack rats every day of the week.
?Do you enjoy throwing money down the drain' You?re right again; this is the place for you! The units are as efficiently insulated as a sparrows? nest. Which means you can contribute to global warming by burning tons of natural gas to warm the outdoors in winter time and wasting bucketfuls of electricity to cool the very same outdoors in summer.
?Love to eavesdrop on you neighbors' Well, here you can do it from the comfort of your own apartment. You?ll be able to hear your neighbor three flights down as she cheers for ?Jerry Jerry Jerry? or the guy in the building next to you play the trombone in his bathroom. And you?ll be able to witness a physical phenomenon unique to Bay Ridge - smell travels just as fast and unimpeded as sound does. You can smell the dinner little Ms ?Jerry Jerry Jerry? cooked a second time 18 hours after it was in the oven.
?Like to be taken down the garden path' You?ll love the stroll that awaits you when you finally come to your senses and turn your back on this place. ?Cause you?re gonna pay buster! Did you actually walk on that carpet' Well that?ll be 350 bucks mister! Stored your cornflakes in one of the kitchen cabinets' You get to pay for the privilege of having the exterminator nap in your apartment. While the post-menopausal misers have the carpets in their rental units replaced once a year and the landscaping contractors supply them with beautiful flowers and plantings which they are too fricking lazy to put in the earth and leave to shrivel up and die within days. All financed by your rent and ?I?ve come to my senses and am leaving? blackmail charge.

If you fit the description above this is the place for you. But in all other instances you?re just a masochist to stick it out here.

Jimmy DeBuffet
Margaritaville, FL

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