I came across this page of reviews somewhat randomly, and I thought I'd read some of them, as I did live at Campus Estates one summer, after my freshman year of college and I had reminisced on that somewhat recently when I was looking for a place to live after moving out of the house I shared with a bunch of friends for the last couple of years of college.

These reviews crack me up. I really did enjoy that one summer, but every criticism in these reviews is pretty much dead on. The place is a total --------. It's a disaster. So here is a basic guideline on how to enjoy your stay at Campus Estates:

1) Be male. Should I ever have a daughter, she will never live in a -------- like this. Please, enjoy talking about equality and how a woman can do everything a man can while you earn your liberal arts education, but if you are female do not test this by subjecting yourself to a living environment where at best, people are just drunk, and at worst, they're drunk and criminals. I don't *know* that anyone has ever been raped in this complex, but if I had the opportunity to lay down a bet on that, I would put every cent I have on yes. I would mortgage my soul to get access to more liquid cash to put as much as possible down on such a sure bet. This place is not safe.

2) Live here during a summer during which you are relatively free from responsibility/obligations. I must say, I highly recommend the summer after your freshman year of college. Worked out great for me. won't be so bad. You might have some part time job, or are volunteering somewhere for experience. Just make sure this is a time in your life when you aren't really working hard, and don't need to do things like go to sleep at night, or wake up in the morning.

3) Sublet. The kind of person who actually signs onto a lease at this place is the kind of person who is naive, lazy, stupid, or just plain didn't know any better. His folly is your fortune. He didn't think about the fact that he signed a 12 month lease on a place he only needed for 9 months. Completely bypass any relationship with the awful management by offering him a small sum of cash to take the place for the entire summer. You won't even have to check the mail. Caveat - you should realize that apparently these places are pre-furnished. I did not know this until just moments ago. That one summer, I thought I was living on my foolish friend's furniture. Four years later, realizing that that furniture belonged to the *apartment*, I feel so dirty. Oh my God, I had sex on that couch. And that dryer. And I slept in that bed. I feel sick.

4) Split the apartment with a good friend who is similarly unencumbered with responsibility. I don't understand how it would ever be a good idea to share an apartment with a stranger. It would absolutely never be wise to share an apartment at Campus Estates with a stranger. So split it with a friend, and work out some system for splitting beer/grocery costs.

5) Own nothing of value. It's much less unsettling to live in an unsafe dump when none of your stuff is really worth anything anyways. Do you play guitar' Maybe for this summer, you just keep the Squier with you, instead of the Gibson. Do you have a Lexus' Then what the hell are you doing even thinking about living here. You absolutely must have your fifty inch plasma in the apartment' Well, okay, but you'd better not ever let anyone see that you have it in there. Because if they know it's there, they'll take it.

6) Be excited about the idea of spending a summer living in both moral *and* physical squalor. This is an excellent opportunity if you're a kid from the suburbs and want to pretend that you're poor and habitually make bad decisions as you experience life without rules from parents or dorm officials for the first time. Just make sure that this is a "one summer" thing, or you'll be in Riverside for a lot longer than you'd like. You want to remember this as a wonderful summer of forgotten memories, not the beginning of a downward spiral.

7) Have video games.

8) Shop at the Albertson's instead of the HEB. It's probably more expensive, but God that HEB is a hell hole. It's worth it not to have to wade through unattended children when trying to get supplies. Plus, they never turned down my terrible fake ID.

And really, that's probably about it. This is a great place to spend a couple of months being a big piece of ----. There are parties going on constantly, if people complain, no one does anything about it, and you're pretty much surrounded by other big pieces of ----. So, if that's what you're going for (and really, it can be fun for one summer - you have the rest of your life to work and be responsible), this is a great place to do it. Just don't live here if you aren't planning on being a big piece of ----. It doesn't work.

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